This was written some time back, but have not been able to get it from my tablet to online until now...
People on
the road continue to be solid and enjoyable companions. But somehow it is hard for me to truly engage
and connect with people I know will be gone so soon. As much as I want to be open and flow with
the experience I have trouble changing the mental box of short encounter why
bother to possible future encounter, engage fully. Additionally the short term nature of the
relationships in positive environments creates perceptions that often, over
time are not in line with the more "real" version or personality. Most people are happy, more outgoing,
accepting of less desirable situations, tolerant, etc when on vacation in a
beautiful place with a group of road seasoned situationally induced friends. It is hard to be a demanding bitch with a
group of newly met travellers. But over
time comfort leads to changes, or reversion, in behaviour that is not always
positive. Quirks become annoyances,
habits that are rarely performed become know, biases and beliefs can be voiced
at odds with your own, unknown before because the situation has not had a
chance to present itself while on the road in rural Laos.
At this point in the trip I am finding myself pulled in two directions. Part
enjoys the freedom of the road, novel experiences, and beautiful new
places. The chance of meeting the rare traveller whom with which you can truly connect.
Yet another side knows the chance to meet and establish close relationships is far better when you
stop moving. A rolling stone gathers no
moss and rolls alone. China was a great
and powerful experience for which I am grateful. But I know that the last year in Wuhan I
precluded relationships with people not because they were bad but because I had
already decided I would be moving on to somewhere new. Why risk the hurt and challenge? It is so much easier to just cut it now.
Looking back I have done the same
before in the US before I left for China.
Deciding to cut off or not allow a relationship to grow because the
decision to go was already made. How
could the two exist at the same time?
And moving on to a new place has always seemed to win out. Read the bumper sticker "live without
regret", how? With time so limited
and the world so big its not possible to live a life in one place and not think
of the chances one had to live a life in another. I am grateful the choices I have made, good
and bad, have brought me to where I am. But how can you not think of the other
roads not taken? I have been lucky to
have the chances and choices to get me here. But everyone means something else
has to be foregone. Obviously to
complain while in the midst of a 4-6 month vacation about the quality of my
life and the outcomes of my choices is not the way to go. Complain is not the right word... Wax philosophical maybe better. Where is this going? I dont know.
Where I am I going? I dont know
either. Well tomorrow I have a bus
ticket to Phonsavan, friends to meet in Pakse, a race in Malaysia in Nov and
another in January and some thoughts about a month boxing and diving in
Thailand. But thats not what I
meant. I thought writing this out would
help to clear my head so i could get some sleep, but it has only raised more
thoughts. I want to find a way to slow
down time so i can reconcile my two halves.
Or maybe i want to speed up time so that i can arrive at the
destination. Course that would require
knowing what the destination is. Or
maybe "the destination is the journey" to quote someone, but thats
just confusing to think about. Now I
guess its time to stare at the ceiling and think about my destination/journey
and maybe find and answer or a question first and then an answer. So annoying to get the answer before the
question. I hope I dont snore and wake
the other 7 people in the hostel room, they're all so quiet. Some thing I dont miss about China.
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