without a country

8/15/2012

stepping off the plane was the first time in the states in 3 years.  Of the last 5 years I have spent about 6 weeks in the states.  Now being ‘home’ feels strange, like a vistor to a place that should be my home.  I am not comfortable, not uncomfortable, but awkward.  Similar to Japan or Thailand, except that because I have command of the language and culture I shouldn’t feel that way.  It should be refreshing and easy to be back.  Instead it the feels of awkwardness builds on itself and makes me feel even stranger.  I keep telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way, this should be home, this should be the place that I want to be.  And because its not it feels even weirder. 

            I want to return home, to China.  But I am not Chinese.  I only need to walk outside and 1.3 billion people are quick to make that clear.  Nor would I want to be.  I am moving to Australia, but I am not Australian as the immigration is quick to point out.  He doesn’t even think that I would qualify for residency if I tried to apply.  Which I wont for now; because at $3,000 non-refundable, that would be a painful denial. 

            So now I will drift threw south Asia and try to land in Australia.  A large part of the feeling of home that China has for me is the community that I was graced to live in Zhengzhou China.  While a hole, in the dirtiest sense of the word, the people there are amazing.  And they would have to be because it is the only way that it could continue to bring foreigners from amazing places back year after year.  Along with some amazing Chinese people who made life there not only possible but awesome. 

            But Zhengzhou is not a place that I want to reside for the rest of my life.  I want to enjoy breathing the air, and that is something that I can do there.  So I moved on to Wuhan.  Never fell into a solid group there.  Maybe because I knew it was only for a year and didn’t want to try, maybe the people and I didn’t mesh, who knows.  Now that chapter has almost come to close as well.  And its time to drift, or pedal, through Asia.  Hopefully when I arrive in Australia I can fall into a community of liked minded fools to play.  If they can come close to the crew in Zhengzhou then it wont be half bad.